Incierto Sol

“There’s a ghost in my lungs and it sighs in my sleep. Wraps itself around my tongue and it softly speaks. Then it walks, then it walks with my legs. To fall, to fall, to fall at your feet”. (Florence and the Machines)

J’arrive pas à comprendre comment c’est passé. C’était comment qu’un jour j’avais m’attention complètement obsédé a tes mouvements. C’est passé qui ? J’ai eu peur de moi. Un jour je m’ai oublié des mes affaires, car le tiens ont devenus le miens. Un jour je m’ai oublié de ma sourire, de la lumière de mes yeux, car je regardais pas une autre que ta lumière, j’écoutais rien d’autre que ta sourire; encore plus, ils ont devenus mon repas. Ils ont devenus ma raison pour continuer, pour lutter chaque jour contre une existence, la mien, qui m’avais laissé de faire plaisir il y a beaucoup longtemps.

En effet, j'ai peur, mais la peur a une raison plus profonde que toi. Toi, t’as été simplement le dernier trou de bois sur la mer, si petit, si insuffisant. Car j’avais une maladie resistent à l’amour, j’avais une maladie qui me faisait croire que je pourrais me sauver en aimant toi, et ayant ton amour aussi. C’était le vide, et j’avais besoin de le remplir n’importe avec quoi, n’importe avec qui; sinon je risquais de n’avoir pas d’option qu’un couteau ou un pistolet. Comment c’est passé ? Quel jour et pourquoi j’ai décidé t’aimer, même si tu m’aimais pas. Quel jour je m’ai rendu compte, et au lieu de l’accepter et de continuer mon chemin, j’y ai décidé rester. Rester et lutter une bataille qui n’avais pas futur, qui étais du début perdue. Et ce n’était pas une bataille pour toi, pour avoir ton amour, ou t’attention au moins. C’était une bataille contre moi. J’ai choisi la pire des stratégies pour gagner, ma destruction. Un matin, j’étais plus beau dans le miroir, ce même matin j’ai commencé à me débarrasser des aliments. Un matin, j’étais plus amusant, ce même matin j’ai commencé à boire jusqu’à l’ivresse à chaque fête, à chaque dîner. Un matin, j’étais vieux, et pour cela je pourrais rien faire, alors j’ai perdu ma sourire, j’ai devenu malheureux, et en secret j’ai détesté ta jeunesse. Je n’avais rien, j’étais vide. Soudain tout est devenu une source d’insécurités.

Finalement je t’ai perdu. T’as décidé de t’en aller avec quelqu’un d’autre. Mais je ne sais pas si c’est parce que t’as choisi une personne de ton passé, quelqu’un que t’es fait tellement de mal, que t’avais juré jamais lui voir une autre fois; que moi, je m’ai pas tué. Au contraire, il me semble que j’suis beaucoup meilleure qu’avec toi. Pour quoi ça? C’est une nouvelle piège que je me suis tendu? C’est un dernier effort pour ne tomber pas? Être déçu de toi c’est une façon de dire que rien n’as vaut pas la peine? Que toi, t’es si petit que tout c’est qui j’ai passé n’a aucune importance ? Que tout a le même valeur et pourtant je peux m’oublier et continuer comme ça, comment j’étais avant que nos chemins s’ont croisés? Alors c’est laquelle la leçon donc ? Alors, comment être sûr que ça ne m’arrivera pas une autre fois ? Comment savoir que tout ce vide que j’ai s’est commencé à remplir. J’attend une dernière tourne dans l’histoire, je ne suis pas confident que tout est bien. Moi, je me connais et j’ai peur…

“You hit me once, I hit you back. You gave a kick, I gave a slap. You smashed a plate over my head. Then I set fire to our bed”. (Florence and the Machines)

1. How come someone like you have never before accepted an interview?

Maybe because I wasn’t interested in people knowing about myself. Maybe cuz I wasn’t interested in reading me, in hearing what I think, what I am. Our naked true will always affect us more than anything else. The day we answer to ourselves sincerily what are we doing, where are we standing, what are we expecting; and we, objectively, don’t hear what we want, either we feel rage or sadness or we simply deny everything, we simple blind ourselves and wait like someone under a death sentence for the moment we won’t be able to hold it anymore.

2. So, you are someone who doesn’t like to hear about himself?

Haha! Not when I know it is going to hurt. Still I do it, still I often find the way to stay with myself one day and I can certainly be ferocious. It is necessary, else you don’t move on, else you don’t grow. I feel great when I know I’m doing things good, the same way I feel awful when I know I am not. When I need to hide things, when I can’t tell them, sometimes not even to myself, then I know things are wrong, then I know I’m doing something I shouldn’t feel proud of. It is in those moments when I less care talking to myself, first of all cuz I’m scared to hear the true, and second cuz I don’t always know if hearing it will be enough to change it. Cuz if I see the truth, cuz if I see what’s wrong and I do anything about it, it will be showing me how little I love myself. And yeah, I don’t like to hear that. Still if ignoring it it’s just a shame.

3. Reading you is like reading two poles, good and bad, light and darkness, (auto) destruction and redemption, aren’t there balanced things? Everything has to be on either one of the extremes?

Well, I have never seen myself that way. I don’t believe in middle points. Life is made up of decisions, and when you decide you pick either black or white, either good or better or worse, but you always pick one. You can find balance picking up different things, adding them up to have a balanced final result. But if we take a look at our single decisions, no interaction between them, we are always picking up between two extremes. And I love extremes, they are so powerful, so fulfilling. I love those very dark moods, I love allowing them to happen and then writing them, cuz it is a way to exorcise them, to learn from them and keep finally control upon them. It is a way of realizing how evil, sad, bad, selfish, can I be; but writing them it is also a way of showing myself I can deal with them, they are all my product, my invention. Same happens with good things. I also adore my ability to love, to give myself, to feel so happy when I discover any simple thing, I love feeling as good as careless, cuz I’m fine, cuz my self-esteem is rocketing to the atmosphere. My balance is precisely living both sides of the coin but always under my rules.

4. So there are rules, so you are not so free…

There should be rules, but not the kind of rules that cut your freedom. There should be rules cuz it’s your life, your story, and you have to direct it someway. Else, you are wasting it. Else you are going from one situation to another, from one person to another trying to find things, trying to fulfill empty spaces or necessities, to be loved, to be charmed, to be re affirmed, necessities you ought to fulfill with yourself if you really want to be successful. Rules in my life are about defining what I want for myself. Are about thinking of me, and no one else, and what I need to be happy. I need anyone but myself to be happy, and it might sound selfish, but it is the naked true. As true it is I will find people in my way, and I will share part or all of it with them, but without ever forgetting what I wanted for me, what my rules where. It is the only way to give happiness, and giving happiness is receiving it. No rules means I will expect whatever people or life wants to give me, and that only makes you feel happy every time with less and less, until nothing is left not even yourself.

5. You seem to be so self centered, so worried for what you are or will become, isn’t it at a certain level a nice way to call your insecurities?

I think it is rather a nice way to deal with my insecurities. To understand them, and to learn how they can affect me, when I should put special attention or else I’ll end up where I didn’t want. Yes I’m very self centered, which is very different to be selfish. Being selfish is being insecure, is not caring for yourself, accepting wrong things for good, and giving half things, using people to fulfill what you haven’t found within you, and even worse you pay any price sometimes, and accept any shit some others. I’m self centered, which is to find the best of me and give the best of me. To be honest with myself and with people. To be fair with me, and with everyone. I’m self centered to be happy, really happy without needing anything, and to give happiness, just as I told you before.

6. Finally, just a simple question, still you must have some insecurities, some fears, don’t you?

I fear loosing one day my fears and believe I can do anything, cuz there’s nothing more false, it’s human not being able to do whatever, to have fears. And it also makes me feel quite insecure ending up eating tomorrow what I call shit today…

“Now all the days of begging, the days of theft. No more gasping for a breath. The air has filled me head to toe. And I can see the ground far below”. (Florence and the Machines)

Non posso dire che non penso a te. Non posso dire che subito sono cambiato, che sono un'altro. Non so dove vado, quale senso prendere. Capisco un po le conseguenze delle mie decisioni, ma non ho tutte le risposte. So, allora, che devono camminare essendo intelligente. Naturalmente sono spaventato, ma mi spaventa molto più rimanere dove ero: non crescendo. Non conosco la conclusione di questa storia, ma so che dipende soltanto da me. Sono l'unico autore, è la mia propria storia, sarò il solo à scrivere una conclusione felice.